I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
