I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
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The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
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I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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