i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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