just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
