my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
