You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
