There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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