I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
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Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
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You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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