Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
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