The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
