i don't plan on having that self control this summer
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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