i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
