hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
