well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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