What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
