Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
