The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
