Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
