I am spending my child support on dildos
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
