you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
