It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
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Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
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Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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