I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
