I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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