Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm at about main and main street
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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