I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
