goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
