we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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