that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
