Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
