My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
