I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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