I accidentally burped into my bong.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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