I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
