Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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