I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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