Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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