so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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