i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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