This is not my ceiling
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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