just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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