I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
