The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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