Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
