Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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