me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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