what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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