so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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