All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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