I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
