So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
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That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
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Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
His nipple licking is glorious
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