so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
