I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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