Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
