"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
