yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
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i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
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Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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