Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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