Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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