conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
